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patsylakebears Dec 7, 2006

I am furious, I don't know if you remember the post about my son going through a nasty split... In Oct he was in a family court mediation where custody of the children was agreed upon.. they were having the children week about. Well his ex wasn't happy with the days that suited him so she wanted to change it which he did to suit her. He was back there yesterday and before going his daughter came out with a list of what she wasn't happy with being with her father... He was angry and asked why this was happening as nothing had ever been said before. She broke down and said it was what her mother had asked her to do so she could get a tempory order agaist her father.. so what she was hoping for was that the registra would temporally stop him from having the children and he would have to pay maintaince to her.... well it didn't work.... But how cruel to use my grandchild like that..They have to go back in six months..I am so angry right now ..

thumperantiques Dec 7, 2006

Patsy,
     That is unspeakable - I don't understand parents involving the children, when the parent's aren't getting along or when one parent wants to "punish" another parent.  My god, some people should have to pass an exam before they are allowed to have children!  You tell your son to stick to his guns and make sure he sees them as much as he can.  Children need their fathers as much as mothers and sometimes even more, when the mothers are idiots.  I don't blame you for being angry.  Take care and try and have a good day.

                                     hugs,

                                     Brenda

doodlebears Celebration AmbassadorDec 7, 2006

How cruel to use a child like that, and against her own father too. I can understand how cross you feel, at least her plan didn't work. Good luck to your son, I hope everything works out ok especially for the children. Hugs to you too.

Hugs Jane.  :hug:

Carolyn Green Dec 7, 2006

I am so sorry Patsy and how angry you must be feeling at this time.
It is cruel to think that someone could try to turn their children against their father.
I hope that all will work out for your son and his children.

Warmest hugs
Carolyn
:hug:    :hug:

Cleathero Creations Dec 7, 2006

ooooh makes me wan to throttle someone!
sorry to hear it, hope it sorts out really soon.

rufnut Dec 7, 2006

Patsy that is so gruel, sorry to hear your news.   :hug:  :hug:

sarahjane Dec 7, 2006

Patsy that is terrible...It is so unfair to the kids to bring them in on something like that and unfortunately it seems to happen all to often.  Tell your son to make sure he never gives up and always sees his kids as much as possible, they need him more than ever now!!

WildThyme Dec 7, 2006

Patsy..... How infuriating!      AS some one with experience as both a lawyer and a court appointed Guardian ad Litem, I can tell you that courts see right through those ridiculous parent induced attempts.... REALLY.  That kind of garbage has no weight at all, and generally they WILL hold that against the parent who is doing that to a child.  Of course, what they can't mitigate is the damage that it does to a child... just being put into that kind of situation.  All I can say is that your grandchild probably needs you more now than ever to just be the bearer of love and hugs.     :hug:  I wish you the best with this situation. 

Kim Basta

Jodi Falk Dec 7, 2006

Divorce is a terrible thing, and you know ... the atternies fan the fire !! The longer it goes the more money they make and that is the plain truth !!!

Shelli Retired Help Advisor, Banner SponsorDec 7, 2006

I don't blame you for being angry, Patsy.  According to what you've written, the message being sent by mom, to the world, is that this child is not a human being, but a weapon.  And don't think the child misses this point; they're far more clever and insightful than they let on.

Divorce is hard on kids no matter how prettily it plays out.  What's best for the child should ALWAYS be the first consideration.  And unless there are circumstances of outright abuse (emotional, physical), criminal environment (drug use in the home), or sheer neglect, I firmly believe -- as does my husband, who counsels families in crisis as his job -- that what's best for children of divorce is to have REGULAR and FREQUENT contact with BOTH parents.

We are both divorced from the other parent of our biological children (I'm divorced from my sons' father; he's divorced from his sons' mother).  And we both take the firm stance -- as do our ex-spouses, luckily -- that what's best for our children is to create an environment for them in which they are implicitly encouraged to love and admire and respect BOTH of their parents, equally and in which they have regular and frequent contact with both parents.  It doesn't work out perfectly; I end up having my children about 70-80% of the year.  But they see dad with regularity; have a real "relationship" with him; and love and respect him as himself, independent of any feelings I may have about him.

Now, that doesn't mean that we -- my current husband and I -- don't occasionally get irked at our ex'es, or that our kids are entirely immune to that irritation.  We did, of course, leave our former marriages for a reason, much of which had to do with not admiring or respecting our partners!

Still, we remind ourselves that we did, at one time, love those people with all our hearts, and found much goodness in them -- goodness which, despite their flaws, hasn't evaporated just because we are no longer married to them.

In the midst of any irritations, then, we are able to talk with our kids about how we are unhappy with their choices/motives/explanations/actions... but we frame that in language that upholds that they are STILL "good people" and that the kids are absolutely correct to love and admire them, and spend time with them.

My wish for your own family, Patsy, would be that they find a way to incorporate this kind of thinking into their own circumstance.  Counselling would help if both parties would agree to attend, but mom sounds too hostile to likely be interested in that.  Perhaps a book on children, caught in the midst of marital split, could be helpful?  You could send it to her anonymously. She might know the sender intuitively... but it's possible she'd give it a glance, if not a thorough read.  If she loves her children, on some level she is wanting what's best for them.  I don't think that, at their core, most people think what's best for their children is to be put in the middle of an adult conflict.

I wish you and your son much good luck and way less heartache on this subject!

:hug:

SueAnn Help Advisor, Banner SponsorDec 7, 2006

Bottom line . . . children must NOT be used as a weapon!!!  Those little lives that have already been traumatized by the breakup of the parents, need to be soothed, cuddled, loved, listened to, supported, and encouraged . . . instead of abused further by manipulation.  Much good luck and a peaceful end to this mess for you and your family, Patsy.

Bonnie Dec 7, 2006

I'm so sorry Patsy. How horribly cruel and selfish to use your children that way! I am incensed on their behalf. I know how frustrating a situation like this can be. It is the kids who suffer most. All just for spite. How can people be so blind, mean and selfish?
I know you will give them lots of love and hugs and nurturing support which is what they need. I wish you peace and better days ahead, my friend.
:hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

MerBear Dec 7, 2006

All too often the children are used as ammunition in the parent's war! Since I work for a family lawyer I don't agree so much with Jodi in blaming the lawyers for dragging things out for money - at least the lawyers I know don't do that. Mostly it's the husband and wife who drag it out by being unreasonable.

Marion

K P Bear Dec 7, 2006

Patsy that is soo sad. I can remember you posting this on CC when it happened. It is the lowest form to use you kids as a weapon to get back at you ex. I am a child( well not any more ) of divorce and it is not funny. I was brought up by my grand parents and saw my dad maybe once a year. If I was lucky, and they he remarried and his new wife were nice but very false. I now do not have a relation ship with either parent and my grand parents are gone. It hurts. So I do hope that it can be worked out so the kids do not get more hurt coming their way.
Lena

Jodi Falk Dec 7, 2006

Marion, sorry if I spoke out of turn , I just had a really bad attorney , took me for 20 thousand dollars and 2 and a half years of living HELL !!!!! Just seemed when they had taken every thing they were done !! And it was done. I would love to have a really good honest attorney.Then and now. I would really hate to have to go through that again. I am glad the ones you work for are good ones, but there are allot of really bad ones, sorry to say.

matilda Dec 7, 2006

It sounds to me as though this woman is an unfit mother. In need of counselling from a mental health professional.
I'll send prayers to your son and grandchildren. It looks like they are going to need it.

Michelle Helen Dec 8, 2006

Patsy wrote:  That is unspeakable - I don't understand parents involving the children, when the parent's aren't getting along or when one parent wants to "punish" another parent.

Patsy: your son needs to take the high road. Perhaps he can make a deal with his ex-wife that whatever the differences are, they should never speak badly about each other to (or in front of) the children. their mental health is the priority here....If they can both do this, the kids will grow up with good mental health (less stress and anxiety). They need to know they DO NOT need to mediate between the parents. It also sets as a role model for their own adult life. 
 
Though the ex-wife sounds like she is a bitter, mean-spirited person, maybe she can love her children more than her own hate and get along with your son for their sake. 
 
Best of luck. I hope it all works out 
 
Michelle

Delartful Bears Dec 8, 2006

Oh Patsy.  I've been wondering where you have been.  This must be a huge worry and a lot of stress for everyone involved.

I wonder if you had a good relationship with your son's (ex?) wife before the split?  COuld you talk some sense into her?

It probably wouldn't work, I mean, you being his mother and all... of perhaps get onto the telephone to her parents if that's possible?? Someone needs to sort her out, but I think the gentle way would probably be most effective.

Anyhow, I hope it all pans out OK in the end, and everyone can live a happy life - and adore those grandkiddies of yours!
Danni

Stellajella Dec 9, 2006

Patsy, your anger is understandable!
Sometimes it comes out much too late, what a low form of life somebody is.
How mean can  one be, to use or rather abuse her child for that.

I wish you, your son and your grandchildren, that this problem is solved quickly without causing too much pain !  :hug:

Gaby