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There have been some interesting developments in the life of my 12 year old son lately. First I noticed he was suddenly more worried about his hygeine and appearance than ever before....even going so far to shower daily without being told. Scary. 
Then for the past week he has been closeting himself in his room and using the house cell phone......supposedly talking to his friend Justin......but since when do boys talk that much? Although, he has been grounded all week for something he did last Friday night.....which I'm about to get to........so I thought maybe he's bored? 
Okay, last Friday night he wanted to go to the movies with Justina and Justin's little brother. I started to tell him no, and was totally shocked when he got really upset and almost started crying. So I decided there was no real good reason he couldn't go and let him. Well, he was to walk the few blocks back to his grandmother's house immediately after the movie. My dad was going to drive Nathan home then. At 10 pm they still hadn't shown up here, and I knew the movie would have been out around 9pm, so called my mother. Nathan hadn't shown up there and no phone call either. Dad checked at the theater, thinking it might have gotten out later than usual.......totally dark inside and noone around. We called around and finally located Nathan at his friends house at 10:15. His excuse was he went over there to look for his lost hat.......hmmm, yeah right! 
He knows better than that and scared us all!
Yesterday, Justin's younger brother ran into us in town. He wanted to know if Nathan was grounded because of Rachel. Huh 
..... Rachel who?! This was the first I'd heard of Rachel. Nathan lied through his teeth denying he knew this girl. Hmm.....yeah right again! I checked my cell phone and found a couple of numbers I didn't recogize......looked them up and found one to be this girl's home number. The unknown cell phone number was identified later when she called the house for Nathan and I answered the phone......It was his friend Rachel. 
It turns out this girl is always at Nathan's friends house as her dad is a close friend of his. Since last week she's been Nathan's girlfriend. Nathan's only 12, although a bit ahead of other boys his age, and she's 13. WAY to young to date, and date is what they did Friday night to the movies. The other boys were with them, but still.....Nathan didn't ask but snuck around behing my back to go on this date because he thought I would say no. I would have let him go since it was a group of kids. He is grounded again for the lying and sneaking part of it.
Besides being upset over the lies told to me by my son, I am unsure how to go about handling his spending time with this girl. I am very uncomfortable with the fact that both Nathan and Rachel spend time over at Justin's....who is a very close friend to Nathan. I don't think they should really be there without an adult around. Justin's dad is a widower and works, so he isn't always there. Am I over-reacting? I am in totally new waters here and don't want to drown!! Help!! I am so not ready for this 
..............
:hug:
Tracy
Newcastle, OntarioTracy,
I may be out of my element as my kids are 30 and over, but it is my experience that if you forbid them to do something, it only makes it more attractive. Although Nathan is only 12, some boys are interested in girls earlier than others.
The first thing to do is deal with the lying, regardless of the girl. Lying is absolutely not acceptable under any circumstances. I'd figure out a punishment, something that will make an impression and stick to it, making sure he understands that it is the lying you were upset about (not that he was with a girl), because it was a lack of respect for you and your parents and he scared you all unnecessarily.
The next part is trickier. We always gave our kids a fair bit of freedom, as long as there was an open, honest dialogue as to their activities. We reinforced the "remember - we TRUST you" speach often. They also knew that if they screwed up, they were toast and we meant it.
As for the girlfriend, try talking to Nathan and explaining that they are too young to be spending so much time alone, but that she is welcome at your house. Try talking to them together, and set some guidelines. This is puppylove, but it's the first and it's special. You could try including her in a few family activities. I just know that forbiding it won't work. Most likely it will wear off soon, but if you get him used to bringing his friends to your house, it will reap tons of benefits. Our house was action central, and we never regreted it. So, hope this helps somewhat and good luck!
Hugs,
Brenda
Back Road BearsCan I share my thoughts as a former pre-teen and former step-mother (I have a sordid past that we won't get into)?
As a kid I lied to my folks all the time because they were so over protective and I always thought they were very old fashioned and just wanted me to have a miserable childhood. I spent all of my teen years grounded.... seriously! It was awful! I never felt like I could talk to them about ANYTHING and I always looked for ways to rebel. I wasn't a bad kid.... I wasn't mouthy, I had descent friends, I never smoked or drank or did the unthinkables with boys.... I really was a good girl. I just got bad grades because I hated school. And I wanted to be anywhere but home because I never seemed to be able to do anything right there.
As a step-mother I approached things differently. Not because I wanted the kids to like me... there was no problem there. Their real mother was a dead beat and they didn't like her and seemed to thrive on loving discipline, house rules, etc. But Catherine was a pre-teen when the boy thing started and Jeffrey only about 11. We had open discussions about what we as the parents felt was acceptable behavior, and what wasn't. They had curfews and knew the rules..... like: a PARENT (not an older sibling) had to be present at all times and they knew the consequences if they broke the rules. We also insisted on meeting their friends at least once before they went off some place with them. We encouraged them to have their friends over to hang out in the kid's 'den' equipped with TV, stereo, video games, etc. It was in the basement, we stayed upstairs but the door had to be open and we made checks without being annoying to the kids about it. We became the 'cool' parents. Catherine and Jeffrey talked with us about the girls and boys openly. Would tell us what a friend had been 'caught' doing which gave us the opportunity to talk about 'what if that had been you'. Being open and honest was a house rule. It didn't mean we were trying to be the kid's "friends" just that we wanted them to feel they could talk to us and not sneak around behind our backs. There was a lot of trust because of the open communication.
12 is the the beginning of a whole new game in child raising and it IS scary. Kids are faced with a lot more peer pressure, stress, drugs, smoking and behaviors that we never would have even entertained at their age. Set the rules now, stick to them always and keep the lines of communication open.
:hugs:
Oh Tracy! 
The fun has just begun. Your first clue that there was a girl in the picture would be his showering every day. :crackup:
The more you don't want him to see this girl.....the more he will want to. Kids tend to think they're smarter than adults. You need to let your son know that you know about Rachel. (Remember, you must be the Mom with the eyes in back of her head!) You also need to let him know that you don't approve of his recent behavior. Make it about the behavior....not the girl, not him....the behavior. Otherwise you will shut him out and he won't trust you. Tell him you expected more from him than that. Be casual when talking and just say, "Hey, why didn't you tell me you wanted to go out with this girl? You didn't need to hide it. I was 12 once." That usually gets a half smile, at the very least.
You would be wise to have your son invite Rachel over to your house so you can keep an eye on things. A mom who knows her children's friends and has them over can learn a lot about what's going on with their kids. Make your home teenage freindly. Food, video games, food, food, food!
The most important piece of advice I can give you is to maintain open lines of communication. Be honest with him and more times than not, he'll be honest with you. This comes from my own experience with my son, Justin. He's 25 now and has grown into a fine man that I'm pleased to share time with. Lord knows, he wasn't always perfect.
You were 13 once. Remember. Scary, isn't it? 
Warmest bear hugs, :hug:
Aleta
P.S. Stick to your guns on the grounding and whatever you say as far as punishment you'd better be prepared to back it up. If you don't, you son will run all over you. I've seen so many moms and dads say, "If you don't stop it, I'll....." They never do and the kids act like little terrors. My kids know if I say something, then damn it, I mean it!
Matilda Huggington-beareTotal over reaction. Unground the boy. Have open dialogue so he isnt frightened to tell YOU the TRUTH.
It is only when you set up a situation where he is frightened to talk to you that the lies come.
Fast and furious as well because he will lie to cover a lie and then ..........disaster
AND his behavour is absolutely normal. Get him to have Jason and Rachel over at your place. Then you can keep an eye on them. :hug: :hug:
:hug: Thank you Brenda and Daphne! This is SCARY and I am so afraid I will handle things wrong. And it's just the beginning, I know......
I did address the lying thing first and foremost last night when this all came out. Tried to really impress upon him that was why he was in so much trouble. Had he been honest, he wouldn't have been grounded at all. Plus, the lying hurts the trust in our relationship, and I know he wants us all to trust him. I hope that sunk into his head.......and I will be sure to keep on emphasizing it.
I haven't even met his 'girlfriend' yet! Just spoke to her on the phone for a minute last night. That's a good idea to invite Rachel to our house, although it may work out better at my mother's house since we live in the country. My mom's house ends up being action central as all of Nathan's friends live in town, and he often goes to Grandma's after school. Of course, I'm there sometimes too, and his other friends have all been out here as well, so I've gotten to know them too. I am going to suggest inviting her to one place or the other to Nathan and go from there.
Maybe part of the reason I'm so worried......besides this being a new one for me......is that I remember myself at Nathan's age. I was like you Daphne, and my parents were a bit overly strict. I want the type of relationship with my kids that you had with your step children. That really hurt that Nathan lied like that and did all of that sneaking around. I was surprised that he felt the need to do so. I know now that I need to work harder at keeping the lines of communication open........and I so afraid of making mistakes that could ruin that......like just forbidding things. I know at some point kids have to be responsible for their own decisions, and parents need to 'give them enough rope' to do so.......but how much and how soon, etc, etc.? Did I say already this is SCARY!!
Both of you have given me some excellent advice and I really appreciate it. I'll be going back to it frequently I'm sure!! Thank you so much!
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Tracy
Oooh, I was posting and missed your posts Aleta and Wendy. Thanks for the advice........I need all I can get!! :hug: :hug:
I think I did okay with talking to Nathan last night about this. I didn't yell, but did say some of the things you mentioned Aleta. Like, "Nathan, you know I was 12 once, too." "And had you told me about Rachel and wanting to go to the movies with her and Justin plus little brother, that would have been fine."
The grounding happened in the first place Friday night when Nathan was about town until after 10pm with noone knowing where he was. I have to stick to that, but it's only until tomorrow. I think he respects why that one happened. Last night, I didn't want to add to much further punishment, but had to do something because of the lies, so I asked him what he thought his punishment should be for that. He said, "I should loose all my video games for a week." So, that's what we did! You know, Nathan is in such a good mood today, and I think is relieved it's all out in the open.
I do wish now that we lived in town or closer to it. It will make it hard to have our house 'kid central' and I would like it to be. I might just have to become Mom, Taxi Driver in a big way.........it's a good thing I don't work outside the home! 
:hug:
Tracy
Posts: 8,574[size=20]Tracy, Darling Lady[/size]
[size=22]Hang in there[/size]
[size=24]His most important developmental job right now is establishing his identity and breaking away from you![/size]
.
[size=24]CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY[/size]
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Definitely! Be the taxi driver!! You'd be amazed at the things kids say in the car. Sometimes I think they thought I was invisible. Maybe it was always because I looked like I was lost in thought somewhere else. Being blonde has it's advantages!! And kids think they're smarter than we are......HA! :crackup:
Warmest bear hugs, :hug:
Aleta
Thanks Dilu!! :hug: :hug: Every color of koolaide on your son's hair huh? Nathan just had me use the chunky blonde highlight kit on his dark brown hair today...........no arguments here, it's just hair! 
And he looked so cute in the little plastic cap, too! :crackup:
Being blonde has it's advantages!!
:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: Good one Aleta!! I'm not blonde, but I bet I can manage 'invisible' if I try!
:hug: :hug:
Tracy
PS-- :hug: :hug: Almost forgot to say: Thanks for everything gals! It means so much to me that you all took the time to answer my plea for advice.........I'm feeling much better about all of this now! 
:hug: :hug:
Best of luck Tracy - it is so hard and scary isn't it!!!
I have a darling son Marcel who is now 14 and he has met a little friend Sarah.
They are just good friends and have been to the movies and out for burgers together.
I think that it is good when they can tell you where they are going and what they are doing.
Also get Justin and Rachel over to your house where you can keep an eye on things.
Not a good idea having kids home alone especially when Justin's Dad is at work.
Probably best that you know about his friend Rachel - because this behaviour is normal.
I know that things will turn out well, but it is all so new to us as Parents and nobody warned
us what it would be like.
Good luck.
Hugs
Carolyn
Lordy, but I dread the coming years. I have boys 10 and 12. <sigh>
I have nothing wiser to add than what's already been posted. But I will tell you that I remember all too well that surge of hormonal lust that accompanied dawning adolescence. And no matter what you wish, want, say, or do (in the way of grounding), unless you plan to keep your kid(s) tethered to your side 24/7, they are going to do what THEY want to do and feel is good and right and "fair."
So my own personal approach with my own kids is to remember that, and rather than forbidding the most luscious of fruits, instead focus my parenting efforts on teaching them to be SMART and CAREFUL and RESPECTFUL. There's not a lot of preachy NO, DON'T, and I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT; YOU'RE GROUNDED stuff going on at my place.
I'm not sure I'm doing this correctly at all. But I think I see a lot less inclination to rebel in my sons than I myself felt at their age. And I like to think that's because nothing is "forbidden" but is rather "explained." I don't say, for example, SMOKING POT IS BAD/TERRIBLE/WRONG. I say instead, POT IS ILLEGAL... AND DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND YOUR FREE TIME IN JUVY IF YOU GET CAUGHT WITH IT? I say, BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL, THE INGREDIENTS IN MARIJUANA AREN'T REGULATED LIKE THE INGREDIENTS IN ADVIL AND FLINTSTONES VITAMINS ARE. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO POSSIBLY BE SUCKING BLACK FLAG ANT AND ROACH KILLER INTO YOUR LUNGS? OR GROUND UP, TOXIC WEEDS FROM SOME IDIOT'S BACKYARD, WHICH HE USED TO CUT HIS DRUGS BEFORE A SALE?
That way, the "choices" my sons make are informed ones, and are steered not by a fear of punishment, but by an understanding that there are things in life that can hurt them, badly, in unrecoverable ways. The choices my sons make are based on knowledge. Which truly is POWER.
Anyway... who knows if this will work or not? I hope so. But that's MY path in childrearing. For what it's worth.
Good luck!
And PS... Tracy, isn't there just a small part of you that wants to slap him on the back and cheer, "Atta boy!!!"
???
:crackup:
PPS I chose the pot example because my sons were very prematurely exposed to it by a much older stepbrother some years back. We haven't had the "girls" issue come up yet!!!
Carolyn and Shelli--We're all in the same boat, so to speak, aren't we?! :hug: :hug:
Anyway... who knows if this will work or not? I hope so. But that's MY path in childrearing. For what it's worth.
It's worth a bunch Shelli.......thank you!
And PS... Tracy, isn't there just a small part of you that wants to slap him on the back and cheer, "Atta boy!!!"
:crackup: :crackup: Oh yes, there is!!! More than a small part really! Proud of my boy I am 
........now if we can just eliminate that lying thing.........
You know, when I was growing up, my parents usually went the route of the preachy NO, DON'T, etc. I know it didn't work because of how I reacted to that........but trying to break that cycle and go the opposite route like I want to is tough! I have to remind myself constantly what approach I want to take, take time to think about it first, etc, etc. I've been parenting for 12 years now, and I still slip back to the preachiness sometimes. :doh:
I did talk to Nathan's dad yesterday and again today about this, and asked him to please talk with our son again this weekend (it's Tim's weekend again) about the girls and boys, birds and bees stuff. A reminder won't hurt, as I know in the end it will always come down to the decision Nathan makes himself. Plus, if he has any concerns, he can talk to his dad about them. If Mother tries to bring up that subject with him, he's embarrassed half to death!!
:hug:
Tracy
Real Deal BearsI have learnt through life that you can only do your best at the time.
Don't beat yourself up when things gets abit of a challenge.
Always remember you are doing your best nomatter what you go through.
I admire all Parents of teenagers, I was there once and I know what a tough job it can be at times.
Sounds like you have your head screwed on the right way Tracey, so I am sure that your decisions with your son will be made through love, and be an informed decision because of these postings.
Take heart, they grow up eventually
Aw, young love! It's agony, it's precious, it needs a little breathing space mom! He's struggling with new emotions and with time, he will come to understand them. At the moment, he's just trying to protect his privacy while he works out which way up the world is. Don't take it too personally!
My son fell head over heels in love with a girl at fourteen. I didn't recognise the signs at first because I wasn't looking for them. He was withdrawn, moody and hopeless to hold a conversation with. A year later, the girl finally cottoned on that he had a thing for her and shy though she was, she did the female thing and helped it all come together. That was six years ago ... they are still together and still as close as ever.
Given a little space and a lot of understanding, under safe circumstances, I'm sure your son will be just fine. :hug:
Baird'sBears
Welcome to the Club, Tracy and Carolyn and Shelli :crackup:
By the time your kids hit Nathan's age, you're proud that you've managed to keep them safe and ALIVE, and you're tempted to rest on your laurels.
Then the hormones kick in, and it's the same thing all over again . . .
I think you handled the situation very well indeed!
I can't add anything to the good advice you've already read, but I set up a lot of 'parenting' seminars for my daughters' high school, and heard a lot of parents sounding off about the sudden change in their little boys and girls, especially their boys.
The best bit of advice I heard was this: You have no control (shocked looks from assembled parents), so don't try to gain control. You need to establish a relationship with your son, one that you're both comfortable with--so negotiate. He needs freedom, and you need to know he's safe. He needs to feel comfortable about calling you to say he'll be late, and you need to show that he can call you without being scolded in front of his friends.
I let my daughters know how frightened I became when they were late and unaccounted for--how my imagination brought up all kinds of nasty possibilities. They thought this was ridiculous, but accepted it as a 'Mom Thing'. I also let them know that if I became too worried, I'd start calling their friends' homes, and when I ran out of friends' homes, I'd call the police! They knew I meant it!
P.S. We were also Kid Central, and my late lamented Minivan was The Teen Taxi. My daughters held many, many parties while Hubs and the dogs and I retired upstairs with a bottle of wine and a video. Once we even hosted a co-ed crash after a very late rock concert--the kids dumped their sleeping bags here before the concert, and came back here afterward to crash--absolutely no hanky panky ensued. We gave them breakfast in the morning, and they stumbled home. Those who slept late, we just stepped over.
Ah Tracy my son is almost 13 and I know just how you feel. He is a great kid but he too has discovered girls and was caught in a lie recently. It is scary and it is so hard to know how to react. I think you did right by focusing on the lying. That was what I do too. He needs to know there are consequences to his actions. That's how it works in the real world !
I try so hard to have very open communication with my son and daughter and it seems to be very helpful. My son often asks me to come in and chat when he climbs in to bed so I take advantage as I know this special time won't last forever. We have great talks about anything and everything, from drugs, sex whatever ! If he wants to talk about it I will. Like Shelli said, talk about the issues not just say don't do this or that. The taxi driver advice is great too as the kids share a lot then.
I always tell my kids that their friends are welcome here. And, I always make sure I know who their friends are and try to make sure there is always an adult present especially if there are girls around. I'm sure they have secrets, that's just normal, but I take interest in their lives. I also know that I can be over-protective and am trying hard to not be. Raising kids is so frightening. Sounds like you are a loving mom and I think that is the most important thing we can do as a parent. It's so hard to dicipline without pushing them away. Take heart knowing that you aren't alone on this adventure. :hug:
I am with Brenda on this one.I have a16 year old daughter and we have always talked about everything.I have always given her freedom as long as she never abused it and always told me the truth.I wouldsit down and talk about his girlfriend in a friendly interested way.The telling fibs is a whole different ball game.You have to think why he did it and then he is less likely to do it again.I don't think we get to decide when they like the opposite sex.I always maintain there is nothing they can do at night that they can't do through the day.He sounds mature and probably at the same stage as a 14 year old boy.Talk to him as a young adult and he will probably behave more like one.The wee soul will be in hormone hell at the moment and would appreciate you talking to him about it.My daughter always had male pals and I often got their problems and worrries when it should really have been their parents.If you get a good dialogue going now you wll have less problems in the future.He is at the mercy of his emotions poor lamb and doesn't have the experience to cope.The fact that you are worrying means you will be fine.I think the kids that get into trouble with the opposite sex are the ones forced apart and not trusted.Brenda is right about them wanting what they are told they cant have !!!I was like that and was determined my daughter would not be.
Hugs Diane xxx
My son still gives me loads of kisses and cuddles and wants me to tuck him in every night and we have chats before he goes to sleep...
Oh Lisa! Lucky you! Nathan has never been a kid that talks much. He's more the type of kid to hold things in until everything blows up. It's tough to get much out of him.....feels like prying teeth sometimes and that's not just the teen thing, it's always been that way! And kisses and hugs..... worse than the kiss of death for Nathan, although I will sometimes plant one on his cheek, and even though he protests, I know he likes it!
It's interesting, but for the last couple of weeks he has been very moody, mouthy, withdrawn.....the usual symptoms when something is bugging him and he's not telling about it. Now that all his lies have been brought out and we know about Rachel, he's been a different kid. In a very good mood the last two days, even with still being grounded. Today we spent most of the day working outside together in the barn and the flower beds, and had a great time doing it! No complaints about working either. Yikes!!
Christine--Thank you so much for your words of wisdom!! I needed to hear all of that! :hug: :hug:
At the moment, he's just trying to protect his privacy while he works out which way up the world is.
Thanks Paula! :hug: I didn't think of that and it makes total sense! In fact, when I suggested he invite Rachel over to at least his grandmother's house, he wasn't so keen on the idea right now. He's a little embarrassed by it all. Soon, he said, but he didn't want to yet.
Then the hormones kick in, and it's the same thing all over again . . .
They should be called horrormones!! :crackup: :crackup:
The best bit of advice I heard was this: You have no control (shocked looks from assembled parents), so don't try to gain control.
I think that was one thing that really got me deep down.......the idea of No control........not that I'm a controlling parent necessarily, but now things are beginning to change. I'll have to trust Nathan to make the right decisions. I won't be 'holding his hand' anymore. He will become more and more independent. Etc. Etc. Etc. That's scary!! I wasn't ready for it (as I'm sure no parent really is) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Well, get ready Mom, cuz here it comes!
Tammy--Thank you so much for the support!! :hug: :hug: You are very lucky to have such good communication with your kids. As I said earlier, Nathan has NEVER been an open person. His grandmother says that will make him irresistable to girls later on (maybe already!),....... you know, the strong, silent type? I say it makes his mother crazy sometimes!! And it makes him miserable too when he holds things in. All I can do is keep trying.........
I have always given her freedom as long as she never abused it and always told me the truth.I wouldsit down and talk about his girlfriend in a friendly interested way.
I shamelessly used this the past two days Diane......thank you!! :hug: Talked to Nathan several different times as we were working on things outside or riding in the car. Talked with him about the issues of freedom, trust and not abusing that trust. I think he really appreciated knowing that I do trust him, and for once really listened and participated in our conversation.
Susan--Thank you! :hug: Your words were an uplifting reminder for me......I needed that!
Practice not reacting. Practice it a lot, so when they come to you with something that makes your jaw drop, you don't immediately start screaming. You can always scream later if you decide the situation warrents it!
Wonderful advice Renae........all of it and not just this!! I'd better start practicing this now..........I know it's only just begun! 
Big, big :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Tracy
