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BrisbaneI'm sorry to dump this on everyone here as it really is nothing to do with you all but I had to get it off my chest...
Background first for those of you who don't know. I have a daughter from my first marriage who has lived with her father since we separated when she was about 3...anyway I have seen plenty of her but unfortunately not had much say in the way she was bought up. therefore I have not a lot of control in what she does. 
Not that anyone does at her age anyway.
Well she is getting married....and I sooo don't want it to happen. She is only 19 and the fiance is only 21 (to be fair he seems ok although I have only met him twice). My sole objections to the marriage thing are based on their ages and the fact that he is her first serious boyfriend, also they have only been going out together for about 6 months. Now I know that some people get married at 19 and live happily ever after but in this case I really can't see it happening, and let's face it, in most cases it doesn't happen... perhaps I have a subconscious objection because he reminds me of her father or something.(which he does). I have really tried to be open minded about this but every fibre of my being is screaming that it will be a mistake...
I have encouraged them to........
1. Live together (they won't as they are both religious) I don't have any objection to the religious part except that is seems to be making them rush into the marriage thing.
2. Have a long engagement (they have decided on May 
probably seems an eternity when you're 19.
3. Travel around Europe together before they get married, they are going on their honeymoon. (Again religion prevents this) Although I don't see why, they don't have to have sex!!
Help, I'm trying to be supportive here as I know nothing I say is going to change her mind but I can foresee an absolute disaster. I would probably be happier if they had been going out longer etc. But I don't know if I can take one more phone call about wedding plans without exploding!!!
Now I am logical enough to know that there is nothing I can do without alienating Delyse and causing an enormous argument, but I do feel better having got this off my chest!!! 
Back Road BearsI'm not a parent but I was a teenager once as you were and am also a 'religious' person as you call it. That being said this is a tough one. The former teenager and practical adult in me says the motives could be wrong and they are too young to really know what they want. Have they been to college? Do they have permanant, career type jobs (do they know what they want to be when they grow up and are they there?)? They have a lot of growing and learning to do at this age and life has SO much to throw at them before they are really mature enough to make a decision about marriage.
On the flip side... marriage isn't just about careers and real world experience.... it's about love. If they are truly God fearing souls and can honestly say they have no doubts but that God intended them for eachother then I commend them for putting their faith and repsect in God first. That shows maturity right there and that their values are in tact.
It might benefit both of you and make the whole wedding planning thing more enjoyable for you both if you had a nice long talk over lunch in a public place. Hear her out with an open heart and mind. Then ask her to do the same for you. Perhaps you can share your experiences, letting her know that you are aware that not ALL relationships turn out the way yours did but the possibility is there. Ask her where/how they plan to live. About their jobs, plans for kids, etc. Make her think beyond just marrying him so they can have sex but to 5 and 10 years down the road.
Listen to her..... hear her out about her religious beliefs, listen to how and why she believes God means for them to be together.
You'll be yelling "I told you so" at her if you don't have this talk NOW and something happens later on. Or you'll be kicking yourself because you didn't say anything and either could have prevented a heart ache OR can't appreciate what they have together because you don't talk about it with her. She may just ease your mind about their marriage if you give her a chance.
I'm not taking anyone's side. Just sharing one perspective on the situation. (I married in my early 20's and divorced within a year and a half if that tells you what side I'm on!)
BrisbaneDaphne thanks so much for your answer and perspective on things it helps a lot to hear from someone who is on the outside...
the motives could be wrong and they are too young to really know what they want. Have they been to college? Do they have permanant, career type jobs (do they know what they want to be when they grow up and are they there?)? They have a lot of growing and learning to do at this age and life has SO much to throw at them before they are really mature enough to make a decision about marriage
This is the very stuff that is worrying me...Delyse has given up university accounting to persue this course. and I don't believe that either of them have enough life experience to make this decision. I don't understand why scouldn't continue with her accountin even if she is married. I have tried to have this conversation with Delyse and she understands where I am coming from but unfortunately for me the only answer I can get from her is that she knows he is 'the one' so what's the point of waiting. My concern is that she really hardly knows this boy, they haven't even had an argument yet!!! Neither of them have 'career' type jobs and the whole things seems to be such a rush... Her father and I got married for the exact same reasons when I was 19 and divorced 4 years later. Delyse seems to think it is all going to be so easy once they are married....
I hope you don't think I am anti 'religion' as I am not (I was bought up a catholic girl) but I couldn't think of another word. I have no problem with them putting their faith and trust is god if I thought that was what they are doing, but is seems that the sole motivation for getting married is the pressure to have sex....otherwise why get married after having only known each other for 6 months. I just don't believe they have known each other long enough to be genuinly in love....sure the attraction is strong (we all know what that's like!!!) but love is something that in my mind takes longer than 6 months to grow and develop and I don't believe Delyse understands that what she is feeling know is maybe a little love tinged with a great deal of lust. All that said generally she is a fairly sensible girl (so was I) and mybe I should just trust her, but my goodness that is so hard!!!
Flying Fur StudiosIt's tough to be a parent. I don't dont' know from experience, but it sounds tough.
The only thing you can do is be honest, but at 19 you just KNOW you know everything. There isn't a doubt in your mind. You're wrong.........but you don't find that out untill later, so all you can do is be honest and supportive and come to us to vent..................
At least that's my experience.
Brisbane Thanks Heather...I'm sure there will be plenty of venting!!!
BruinwerksWow, what a difficult position you must feel yourself in. Eventhough I am a parent and a person with deep personal faith I really don't know what to say. I wish I had a word of great wisdom but I don't. Sometimes you just have to stand by and be supportive of your kids even when every fibre of your being says 'NO!'.
Marriages at that age can work out even though the chances aren't great but on the other hand...they have a better chance of succeeding than a 3rd marriage statistically!
Hopefully they will put the idea of children off for a while, to build a firm foundation, and that may increase their chance for success.
I wish you all the best 'MOM'
Cheryl 
Posts: 8,574Perhaps in getting this off your chest here you will save your relationship with your daughter. When you were 19 did you really listen to your mom?
I hope that you will sail through the wedding, with a beautiful smile on your face, knowing full well you may well end up picking up the pieces a year from now. But, at least you will be there for her both before and after.
Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.
And lets pray they surprise us all and 10 years from now we can have a slipper night at TT and raise a glass of Louise's merlot in toast to the still happily married couple.
gollyhugs
dilu
Brisbane I really hope so Dilu!! :pray:
Sarah, I have a 17 year old daughter and I know just how much they have a mind and will of their own and as Heather said they
think they know everything.
I really hope that you and your daughter can have a heart to heart talk and work things out.
They are both so young, to be getting married and they have their whole lives ahead of them.
I really wish for the best for you all.
Hugs
Carolyn
AlmostBearshi i met my husband when i was 13 and got married at 19(so far so good)but it has been both harder and different than what i expected at the time(but i wouldnt change a thing).as long as your daughter wants this i dont think anything you say will be enough to change her mind,i think all you can do is remember that everyone makes their own choises/mistakes in life and be there to support her - no matter what may or may not happen down the line as she may need to be able to talk to you down the line without feeling that shes gunna hear i told you so's.i wish her good luck as marraige is hard enough,let alone trying to grow up at the same time.i hope too that you can find a way to feel more comfitable and relaxed about the whole thing(otherwise youll probably explode by the time it all happens 
)
Newcastle, OntarioSarah, this is a toughy but I'll let you in on a secret I learned with my daughter at about that age. There were things going on in her life that I really didn't agree with and I was determined that she would see things my way - it almost ruined our relationship. Then I was given a wonderful book, by my brother-in-law, who had read it when his daughter was immersed in the drug scene. It's called Control Theory, by William Glasser.
It's not what you think - he just explains that we simply can not control what others do, only how you react to the situation. It taught me that I couldn't control her behaviour, so I needed to find another way to deal with it. It was much more complicated than this example, but one of the problems was that I was really unhappy with how she was treating a fellow she was dating. We couldn't change her behaviour so I thought about it and said "don't bring him home, in fact don't bring any fellows home until you are serious about him, and the relationship is rock solid".
We were getting much too attached to her boyfriends (she had impeccable taste LOL) so we decided not to meet them anymore, until she decided she was ready to marry. I also told her I would refrain from giving ANY unsolicited advice - she would have to ask for it, and if she did, then I was absolutely free to tell her my opinion. That simple change in my behaviour changed our relationship. I no longer worried about how she treated her fellows, as I no longer saw them together. It freed me of any stress - I was no longer stressed about something I couldn't change. We are fabulous friends now, and we laugh about it, but I still don't offer advice until it's requested.
I don't know if you can do this buts it's worth thinking about. Just be there if she needs you and let her worry about what they are doing. Chances are you won't be able to change their mind and you risk damaging your relationship
hugs,
Brenda
BrisbaneThanks everyone for your insights...just being able to vent here is helpful.......Brenda, your tack is just what I have been trying I just hope I can keep it up, it's a bit difficult trying to sound supportive and enthusiastic through the wedding plans but I am trying!!! 
Newcastle, OntarioHi Sarah,
I know it's hard, believe me! My daughter was furious with us for saying she couldn't bring boyfriends home, but she did learn to deal with it. Once I realized how stress-free it made me, it was heaven. It also made my daughter responsible for her behaviour, not me. Now I refuse to worry about things I cannot change. I learn to deal with things another way, but I don't worry myself senseless over them.
hugs,
Brenda
Flying Fur StudiosMan, and I'm trying to have kids??????? Huh, sounds tough..........LOl
Delartful BearsOh Heather - I th :hug: ought you didn't want kids!! Congrats - I hope it's a huge success.. I dunno if it'll ever happen for me?
Now Sarah Jane.... ahhh hhhwhat a mess!!!!!!!! I'm going to email you though...
:hug:
Danni
Matilda Huggington-beareFor your own sanity you have to change the way you are looking at this.
I gather when all fails you will be there for her? Well why not JUST BE THERE FOR HER.
JUST LOVE HER. and with that LOVE HIM AS WELL. Throw your self enthusiasticly into her wedding plans.
Give her heaps of reasons to want to be around you. For heavens sake ... just love her and forget about all that complicated stuff that mess's up our lives and those around us. :hug:
BrisbaneWendy you are so right ...I couldn't have said it better myself...I am going to give up worrying about a future that may never happen anyway, who knows she may be blissfully happy. Thank you :hug:
SanguineCreationsI think you've been given great advice. ..and remember sometimes it does work out. I married my hubby at 20 and so many people told me not to marry him that I was too young, but I'm now 45 and still happily married.
Just be there for her, support her decisions, let her know you are there for advice, should she want it and if all goes wrong, don't be a 'I told you so'.
