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Fairybear Dec 27, 2012

My husband and my mother in law are always at me to sell some of my bears as I have "too many".  I don't wish to sell my bears for various reasons, I become attached to them, I don't feel comfortable in selling them as I don't think they are good enough etc.  I make bears because it is the ultimate stress relief, it makes me calm and happy and relaxed.  Yes, it is quite cluttered in the room where they are but it isn't the main living room.  I love moving them around and "playing" with them.  How can I make them understand that it's not something I want to do and get them off my back about it? 

Sylvie Liu Dec 27, 2012

Hi FairyBear,

Quantity is a matter of subjective evaluation.

When I read your post, some questions came to my mind :
- What do teddy bears represent for your husband ?
- Is he aware of how important they are to you ?
- How may he see you, I mean, how may he consider the fact that you are an adult woman so attached to teddy bears ? What's behind his request "it's time you discard some bears" ?
- I do not want to be rude, but why did your mother in law interfere in your couple life ? Does she live with you ?

I am trying to see from their viewpoints.

I hope your husband and you will find a compromise in order to respect each other's limits (of territory and tolerance).

Please take care 

desertmountainbear Dec 27, 2012

Are you not selling them because you love them all, or is it because you think they are not good enough?  I see you write that here.  I think that is a struggle that all of us have at the beginning.  If you want to make and sell bears you have to get over that fear.  Sell one, sell it for little if you are worried.  When it sells, the person who buys it will be happy and you will feel better.  Take them to a craft show where people can see them in person and sell them, you will know then how people respond to them.

I understand how you feel when making a bear, I feel the same way.  I am not happy unless I pick up a bear at least for a while everyday to work on it.  It gives me peace.  I do not become attached to the bears themselves though.

But I collect dolls.  Of course they are small and do not take up a lot of space.  I work on the dolls like the bears, making them wigs and clothes and things.  They are mine, I never sell them or their things.  I am attached to them for a different reason than the bears.  Probably it is because I decided from the beginning that they would be mine alone.   I tell my husband all the time how happy they make me.  He sees me making bears, and he sees me playing with the dolls. He knows I am telling the truth. 

I have my own room to work, that is where most of the dolls and the bears live.  Do you have your own space?  If you do and you are not complaining about it looking too crowded then he shouldn't either.  I know if I ever said I have too many my husband would be the first to suggest selling some.  I never utter those words.  If you are keeping bears in a room that he shares with you and bears are not really his thing too, then you may have a problem.  In that case you either need to part with some, or help him somehow learn to love teddy bears, many men do.

peterbear Dec 27, 2012

In that case you either need to part with some, or help him somehow learn to love teddy bears, many men do.

That's right, Joanne!  :D

Joanne has some other very valid arguments too: if your main reason for not selling them is that you don't feel they are good enough, then I think Joanne's advice is very solid.
If however you become attached to them and really don't want to seel them, then you shouldn't have to sell them.

The main thing I would stress is that bear making is the "ultimate stress relief" for you and that it makes you "calm and happy and relaxed".
What matters more to your husband: a happy and relaxed spouse with one cluttered room or a nervous and unhappy spouse with a perfectly neat room?  :o
Does he realize how important it is for you to have this hobby and have you told him this in a clear, but non-confrontational way?

Kimblebee Dec 27, 2012

I think you can only have too many bears when you (that is you, not your family) have so many you cant appreciate them all... but of course that again is completely subjective. For some, that may be only a few bears, and for others that may be hundreds.

Perhaps you should consider giving a few to close friends and family for special occasions. They will greatly appreciate something so personal and hand-made by you, and you will get to see them yourself whenever you visit their homes.

Fairybear Dec 28, 2012

I never made them to sell them, they are not my design, only patterns I have made from other peoples work.  But that was never my desire, to sell them anyway.

What matters more to your husband: a happy and relaxed spouse with one cluttered room or a nervous and unhappy spouse with a perfectly neat room?

If I could make him understand that, all would be ok.  I suffer from depression anyway so I would have thought that anything that makes me calm and happy would be a good thing.  He's a good person, he's just a "man's man" who likes cars, football, stuff like that.  He would never ever love bears he's just not that kind of person.  My mother in law, whilst again a good person, does not see the benefit or attachment I have.  Like when my dog got run over and I was sad, she said "it's just a dog".  Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely person but she is very practical and I guess I am very emotional.  Maybe I can make my husband understand what they mean to me, I just don't quite know how to go about it.

desertmountainbear Dec 28, 2012

Well maybe it's time for you to consider making your own pattern and give a hand at selling.  I can see by the pictures of the bears you have made that you are good at it.  A little money for them may be the fastest best way to make him and your mother in law appreciate the bears, and the work you put into them.  You would not need to sell them all, just keep the ones that really speak to you and let the others go to people who will love them. 

Do you have a dedicated sewing or craft room?  If not can you find a room in your house to make your own? Do you live with your mother in law? If it is her house you may have a problem. Maybe a book shelf that you are allowed to fill with bears.  When you get to many to fill it, pack some away and rotate your collection.

I understand your dilemma.  I also though have a husband who collects and sells license plates.  His office is the living room of my house.  We live in the family room thank goodness, because the walls in his office are completely covered with license plates.  And although I have come to like them over the years, and now have a few of my own, I would not be happy if he decided that he wanted to decorate the family room or any other room for that matter like his office.  I guess what I am saying is that it is a two way street.  If your bears are starting to take over a room that he is also occupying and he is unhappy, well something on your end is going to have to give.

1 user likes this: SharonKing

Sylvie Liu Dec 28, 2012

Hi FairyBear,

You are who you are.

From what I read, I would say you are sensitive person living with people with little/no empathy for your feelings. I am thinking of your mother in law's comment after your dog was killed !

Do what sounds right for you, your present well-being. Teddy bears have been telling you something about yourself, probably related to your childhood. May I suggest you look for a professional therapist to help you cope with depression and grow some healthy self-esteem ?

Please take care 

desertmountainbear Dec 28, 2012

Hi FairyBear,

Do what sounds right for you, your present well-being. Teddy bears have been telling you something about yourself, probably related to your childhood. May I suggest you look for a professional therapist to help you cope with depression and grow some healthy self-esteem ?

Please take care  :rose:

I think that many of us create as therapy, I know I do.  My bears have helped me through some very tough times. There are even therapy groups out there that use art as therapy.

peterbear Dec 28, 2012

I think that many of us create as therapy, I know I do.  My bears have helped me through some very tough times. There are even therapy groups out there that use art as therapy.

And some of us collect teddy bears as therapy; that's what I do.  My hug of bears is a constant source of joy and support, as yours is for you Leanne.
It took me quite some time to make my family realize that it's not some silly infatuation of mine; but by and by they are accepting the fact that it's a part of my life.
I have even managed to talk openly to my colleagues about my weird hobby; and I got some very funny looks at first (bankers and bears apparently don't mix well  ), but when they see that you mean business (pun intended), you'd be surprised of the positive reactions you get.  :teddybear:

So my main point is: show your husband and mother in law that this is not just an infatuation, but something you feel very passionate about and something that is very much a part of your life.  Once they have accepted that, I think they will stop hassling you about it. 

Fairybear Dec 28, 2012

Thankyou all for offering your advice and thoughts .  You have made me feel much better.  I guess it is something that both my husband and I need to work on and Im sure we'll come to some agreement.  Maybe I could get him a great big teddy bear just for his own! 

1 user likes this: peterbear

Miser Jan 1, 2013

I have a dream to have a room filled with bears