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Nova Scotia,CanadaThis is totally off topic but there is someone in my life who is hurting everyone around them. They deal with situations with anger and they are often very negative. This is hurting this persons loved ones. I have tried to talk to them but I'm not getting through. They promise to change but it never lasts long and I just give up. Feels like I am constantly in battle trying to defend whoever is being verbally attacked. I'm tired. Sometimes I feel like I can't deal. Getting this person out of my life and never dealing with them is not an option.What else can I do. I end up being angry while trying to deal with these situations or while standing up to defend whoever is involved.
Sorry to be such a bummer but I have seen such great ideas and suggestions on here and I'm getting desperate.I totally understand if noone wants to reply to this topic though.Thanks.
Posts: 3,177Hmmmmmmm, difficult one.
Is it your job to defend everyone i wonder............maybe they can defend themselves?
Sometimes it's better to back off if you can Shari. I know this can be difficult and it depends on how close you are to the individual in question - a bit difficult if you have to live with them admittedly.
Maybe it's time to speak your mind and tell them " If you can't say anthing postive then shut the hell up" OR "Go whinge to someone else, i'm tired of this" - some people won't take direction or advice from anyone and for you to keep on trying to smooth the troubled waters is obviously getting to you my dear girl.
If they have underlying problems or worries making them like this then they need to get them sorted out so they can return to their former happy selves - if of course, they ever were!
You can't change anyone - they have to want to change themselves Shari
There. PenPen the Agony Aunt has said her piece but i hope you can sort this out my dear and will keep everything crossed that you do.
PenPen :hug:
Strange BearsWhy is theis person angry all the time? Have they been dealt a rough hand lately....do they have high ideals and feell that life has let them down? Not to get to deep but you soundl ike your dealing with the symptoms and not the cause. Talking to them and telling them to change will notbe effective if deep down they feel they have a reason or a right to be angry. You will only cause them to become moreangry if your "talking at" themcomes across as lacking understanding or empathy. No one is angry all the time without a reason......it may not be a clear reason or a reason you understand but they will have a reason. No-one andI mean on-one wants to be unhappy or angry all the time. I think you may need to do more sublte digging. Stop lecturing about the anger and start talking to them.....perhaps changing tack may be helpful. After all your current way of dealing is not helping........OK I;ll be quite now...as despite my lecture I'm no expert either.
Posts: 8,574We are each responsibile for our own behavior. Unless we are open to LISTENing to an intervention of sorts there is not much you can do.
4 simple questions:
is personal safety at risk
is food/clothing at risk
is shelter at risk....
if nothing is really at risk then natural consequences should take over....the natural consequences being they loose their friends and loved ones until they make a life affirming choice for themselves
Renae said
the behavor is not acceptable and none of you are going to put up with it any more.
I think she is right. There really isnt much you can do until they escalate to the point of hurting themselves and/or other's. Then you have strong legal ground to stand on and can get support from the local sherrif/cops/RCMP and the person finds themselves in a very unpleasant situation....jail/psych ward
If you keep defending everyone you are going to find yourself in trouble, burn out/fatique/anger/frustration
If it isn't bothering the person being attacked let it go. If it is bothering them let them decide for themselves how to deal with it.
You are not responsible for anyone's actions or reactions to negative situations.
The more you allow yourself to be drawn in the more the negativity will damage you.
Just my 2 cents and 24 years of bizarre experience.....
good luck hon
gollyhugs....and be safe
dilu
Nova Scotia,CanadaThere is no alcohol or drugs involved. I have tried to talk to the person and point out positive things to say. I have told them there words are unacceptable and are hurting others. I have told them that they need to find the source for their anger and a better way to express it. I have suggested counciling and have been told to shut-up. The people that I am defending are too young to defend themselves . All I can do is try to let them know that what they are hearing is wrong and not acceptable. Your right Dilu, I am burning out.
Posts: 8,574There isn't much else you can do unless this person is involved in a religious organizatin, in which case you can talk to the minister, pastor, Mullah. priest.....
We know from years of experience that talk like you describe has long last effects on kids, so perhaps there is something in Canadian law that allows for interventions.
The nice thing here, is that if something like this happens the parents/adults/abuser are almost always put in anger management classes and kept away from the family until they have learned some coping skills.
Saying a prayer for you hon.....
Once in a while, if it's out of your usual character, using anger yourself shocks the angry person so much, they stop and think ...
Ultimately, there are some people in life who just do not understand their anger as being a problem. Until they do, nothing ever gets resolved permanently. Sad to say, but sometimes all you can ultimately do is walk away from them. Been there, done that, worn the t-shirt 'til it shredded ... threw it out and started life again.
Good luck Shari.
Posts: 3,177Ahhhhh so young ones are involved here Shari - that is a whole new kettle of fish is'nt it.
Well, Kids Come First and whoever it may be that is being crabby and nasty to them is gonna have to shup up or give them a complex that can last a lifetime.
Who gives a shit if they don't want to be nice and bite their tongue - they need to grow up! Protect the younsters interests Shari, the adult will just have to deal with whatever the consequences are of their unacceptable behaviour.
NO-ONE has the right to treat kids with such disregard for their feelings and emotional development - get a professional in Shari................as the other girls have already suggested maybe a childrens protection society may be able to advise you.
KIDS FIRST - MISERABLE OLD SHITS NEED TO GET A GRIP! 
PenPen :hug:
Got to agree with you Penny.
Incidentally, anger and negativity are often symptoms of clinical depression ... how about suggesting the angry person sees a doc?
Awww Shari!
I'm sorry I have no suggestions... but just :hug: :hug: :hug:
Posts: 1,836Sometimes people fueled by anger don't understand what they are saying or how they are acting is affecting others. It's not excusing anything, bullies who use anger to make themselves heard and "respected" are turds.
If you've tried every positive verbal avenue maybe this person needs some tough feedback..the toughest kind...seeing themselves without another's verbal spin..the whole "looking in the mirror" route. I've known people to audio tape someone's "fit" so that the person could hear it when cooled down....nothing like hearing what an ass you are to make you want to be a better person. The person I knew use a mini voice activated recorder that cost about $20 from Staples. If physical violence was a factor I wouldn't even suggest trying it.
Maybe this person does have issues, but we all do. It's time they stopped being coddled, grow up, act like the big person and stop abusing their position as an adult around little ones. If nothing else you are doing works...you may indeed have the option of walking away. It's sad, but if it's for health, safety, sanity, or well being you can indeed walk away from anyone. If the kids can't walk away there are ways they can be protected inside or outside of a family structure.
Good Luck, it's a tough situation to be in.
:hug:
~Chrissi
Wild Thyme OriginalsOh yuck Shari! I'm not sure I have too much too add... except make sure those little people that are in the "line of fire" know how much they are valued as people and loved!!!! I know that I dealt a whole lot with those types of people in my former line of employment, whether they WERE the client or whether they were opposing counsel's client... and so often there is simply nothing you can do about another adult's behavior ( I used to say, I am NOT a mental health professional, and I can't get a court of law to issue an Order restraining the offending party from acting like a *#@!--- though wouldn't that be great if you could!!!!) From my point of view you probably just need to focus on the ones that are being hurt. I've seen kids go through some absolutely horrifying situations, and the ones that make it through intact have someone that lets them know that they have a voice and that they matter. Don't just listen, but HEAR what they have to say.... Love 'em to pieces and get them out of the negative situation whenever possible. I feel for you Shari! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Kim Basta
Wild Thyme Originals
BrisbaneI don't know if this would help Shari but I know that when dealing with kids if they don't have an audience their anger dissapates fairly quickly, anger is all about having someone to lash out at and if you are not there then the only person to be angry at is him/herself.
My suggestion would be...ignore and walk away (if possible) every time this person reacts with anger or negativity...AND TAKE THOSE KIDS WITH YOU....Perhaps you could just say gently "we'll be back when your behaviour is more appropriate"
It's very difficult when distancing yourself from such a person is not a option, but perhaps defending the victims is not the way to go and removing them from the situation may be better?
Good Luck :hug:
Strange BearsIagree if children ae involved everyting changes....all gloves are off if kids are involved, especially if they are being verbally abused......do what you have to do as fast as possible....the adult will have to deal with any consequencs the best they can.
JeannieB BearsHi Shari,
I know you said that drugs and alcohol are not involved....but, Al-Anon is a program designed to help women cope with the circumstances that you are describing. It is a "step progam" and if I recall the first step relays that we can not change anyone else, but, we can change ourselves. It's worth looking into...even if you just read the steps on-line.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this...I know it takes over your life and is a very unhappy situation. Even the strongest people become "victims" in a situation like you describe. It is extremely hurtful! Believe me, I understand. Things will change when you find the strength to overcome emotion and the coping techniques that you will need to make things different.
It's a brave step that you have come to talk about how you feel....and that's a good start towards making things different. I think you'll find you are not alone.....even if it feels that way right now.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones,
keep sharing........ :hug:
JeannieB 
Baird'sBears What Renae said--I think we must be children of the same mom, Renae, Long Lost Sisters :hug:
When your kids are at risk of emotional or physical damage, and you can't just separate yourself and them from the source of the problem, you need help, darlin'.
Shari, I'm so sorry that you're carrying such a load. You've already done all you can all by yourself, and more.
If the problem person refuses counselling, I'd look into getting some for the children. There's nothing wrong with them, of course, but timely help could make sure it stays that way.
A good family counsellor/psychologist/doctor could certainly help even young children understand what's going on and that adults sometimes have problems they can't deal with. Children are remarkably quick to understand these things. We don't give them nearly enough credit sometimes.
Sometimes even among adults direct confrontration just doesn't work. Sometimes nothing works. But if there's anyone out there in God's Own Country who provides children and their moms with help, please talk to him/her!
The first step is the hardest, approaching a professional and trying to explain what kind of help you need. Be assured that they've seen these difficult situations before, and that many, many of us have been there!
Hugs and prayers, dear friend! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
