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Upstate New YorkSOMEBODY ... please ... with a daughter older than mine (22) tell me it's gonna get better. Please! She's making me nuts, and if I didn't absolutely adore her, I'd be plotting a felony this very minute. Seems she just keeps distancing herself more and more ... proclaiming "I have to be independent." And what a joke that is, as she's absolutely 100% dependent on her moronic friends. (I'm sure they're nice ... I'm just in an absolute snit myself.)
It truly feels like she's just slipping ever so slowly out of our world ... which we expect her to do ... kinda. I guess I just thought she'd fit other things and people into her world. I didn't realize we were gonna be replaced.
I don't like it. I don't like hearing she prefers to spend time with her friends over the holidays. Ouch. If this isn't a phase, I'm in trouble.
Grrrrrrr!
Dear Deb,
I am sorry about your daughter and all I can say is hang in there and I have heard that
life with your daughter will get better.
My brother's daughter was a right little b...... and just about drove them mad and now she
has done her OE and is a teacher living in a flat with others and is really nice now.
We have a 16 year old daughter and they are hard work aren't they!
She has her final exams for the 6th form and sometimes life can be stressful.
I just want to wish you the best and hope that she realises just how much her Mum does for her.
Good luck.
Hugs
Carolyn
Kiprie BearsOh Deb, sorry about your daughter... :cry:
I just remember how I was not good to my mother
when I was around 20...never knowing that I was hurting her . I'm sure that your daughter is not trying to
hurt you but may be she can't understand about
mother's feeling because she is still too young. :hug:
I am 37years now and understand about my mom's feeling well .( I hope so....) Is this happening to all
mother and daughter ?? :wacko:
Deb, please have a hot coffee or tea with
chocolate or any kind sweet stuff to make you
feel better. :hug: :rose:
Denise, congratulations for your daughter's wedding.
and I want to give you big big big hug :hug: :hug:
You are great mother. :love:
Hugs/Marie
Past Time BearsHMMMMMM . . . I have two daughters - ages 39 and 37. The younger one did most of her 'stuff' as a teen. The older one suffered clinical depression and was probably an atypical kid. Both are VERY wonderful ladies now, although they both take medication for depression --- as does their mom. I do empathize with your situation, Deb. I would find it very hard to try to rear children in our present times . . . there is SO much to influence them besides family. I know how hard it is to just "sit tight and wait things out", but the most important thing (in my opinion) is to let her know that you are there for her at all times if/when she needs you. It may take her spending the holidays away from family to help her understand how important you are in her life. I don't know . . . there aren't easy answers to those tough situations, but she is 22 and 'of age' to make her own decisions. I remember when I was about that age that I was 'seeing' someone my mother didn't approve of and she refused to speak to me the entire time. She was hostile and cold, but I just kept on seeing the guy until the relationship fizzled out on its own. I was determined that she not control who I was friends with and endured her hostilities even though it was very tough. I would have much preferred that she still let me know she cared even if she didn't think I was making good decisions. Does any of that make sense? Just continue to love your girl and hope for the best.
Delartful Bearshi Deb,
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter 
Sounds like she might be going through her teens a little too late LOL I'm sure she'll grow up, and miss you, and work things out then.... Sounds like it might take time though.
Just be there for her - hard I know. I'm only 24, so I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I know I stil hurt my Mum (I do try not to) and I know especially in the past, when I was a teenager, I was horrible to her!! I can see that now though.
Good luck, and here's a huge :hug: for you!
Danni
P.S - if her friends are no good, she'll see that in time... she sounds like she has loads of growing up to do.
DoodlebearsBig hugs for you Deb. I have two daughters aged 23 and 28 and I have never had any trouble with moods etc. so I can't really compare your troubles. I am sure that she will change when she has had her (late) teenage fling.
Another ((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))) for you Deb. Just hang in there I'm sure everything will be ok eventually.
Jane :hug:
MerBear OriginalsBeen there...done that. My daughters are 31 and 34. They went thru this during their teens and as they went thru their 20's realized that their Mom wasn't as dumb as they thought! Now we all get along pretty great; although it probably helps that one in is Calgary and one in Thailand :)
Marion
Kim-Bee BearsI have never gone through this with my mom but I did with my dad a little... it was about 3 years ago when we were planning my wedding (I was suppose to be married 3 yrs ago, yes to the same wonderful man!) My sister was about 15 and she was going through this... and I got dragged into it... by my dad (my parents were divorced by then) and by my sister and my mom. She was hanging out with the "wrong crowd" and we think she was drinking, smoking and maybe doing drugs and we think that was when she became sexually active... it was also when I first moved out of my dads house and about 30 min away.... I still blame myself partially.... I caught up with her at the nearest town's halloween parade and she looked "messed up" her eyes were glazed over and she was acting strange... she was very distant. Makes me very upset even now... But anywho, I got involved and my dad was lying to my sister about why they (my parents) got divorced and I knew the real reason, my dad was abusive and my dad was listening in on our phone conversation when I told her that was the reason and he called off my wedding, 3 weeks before it was to happen....
I since am married, my sister graduated from school, i think with straight A's and now is in nursing school....
Things will get better, dont lose hope... I thought my sister was "lost" but she found her way and I think she needed me a lot then and I hope that she realizes that I am always here for her, she was soo upset that my dad called off the wedding... he made her be on the phone when he called to tell me he was calling it off, I will never forget her..... she was crying (not a normal thing for her) and she was so scared and upset and thought it was her fault but it wasnt and things turned out better this way...
Ok, I'm rambling and crying now...
but as I said, things will get better, just be there for her...
Ruby Mountain BearsMy daughters are 16 and next week one turns 15, I think they come up with things to drive me nuts! The younger one is totally boy crazy. The other is overly focused on her own goals. The first time one of them wanted to spend thier Birthday with thier friends instead of us it nearly broke my heart.
I do hope they get over that too. They are both good girls, good grades, and never in trouble. In fact niether of them has even had a boyfriend yet.
I am with you Deb and I sure hope that she'll come around.
Love, kathy
Baird'sBears
Another daughter-survivor here!
Holy Hormones, Batman--
:hug: Deb, it's going to get better! Really! :hug:
I've got three daughters, aged 28, 25 and 22. My youngest has suffered from depression, anxiety disorder and OCD since her early teens. I think all these problems delayed her adolescence, because she's in full teenaged mood some days lately. It's hard. One minute she's snarling at me, the next minute she's apologizing for being such a b****. Since I've been through this general gig twice before (thrice, if you count my own adolescence), I know better than to take it personally or react. It will pass.
My eldest took up with a really dreadful boyfriend, years ago, and moved in with his family. She clashed with his lunatic mom, so they moved in with us. I knew that if we threw him out, she'd go with him, so we stuck it out. She needed her family, though you wouldn't have known it by the way she behaved, but she finally kicked him out herself. The next boyfriend was an improvement, the third an improvement over the second, etc. She's now engaged to a very nice man with a job and a house. He took her to NY last weeked, proposed on his knees on Times Square, and presented her with a huge diamond. We call it Ringzilla!
When my second daughter spent Christmas in British Columbia with her now-husband's family, I couldn't imagine how we'd get through it, but we did. She called Christmas Day in tears . . . it wasn't so great after all, being away from her family!
Everybody's right. You just have to hang in, try not to do or say anything you'll regret later, or anything that will make the situation more explosive, and BE THERE for them. The mother is the lightning rod. It's part of the job. You have every reason to let her know you're concerned, although you don't want to violate her privacy. She might understand that. When my daughters started staying out late, I told them how much I worried. I also said I couldn't help it--Mom thing--and that if I didn't hear from them, I'd call their friends, and then the police. They know I'm dotty enough to do it!
Kids take a long time to grow up. They've got to try things on their own, and we've got to worry. Even if you've always had a friendly, respectful and open relationship, daughters can suddenly get all secretive on you, and make you think that they're gone for good. Not so. They take us completely for granted, as they should, in a sense. They need to be told, not in a critical way, that you can't help worrying--Mom thing--and that you need some reassurance that they're okay. It's not that you don't trust them, but it's hard to trust the world they're out in!
I've gone on way too long. Sorry :redface:
Eileen
My daughter is 22 too Deb!
We're very close friends and I try not to do the 'mum' thing too much. (Naturally, that doesn't exclude her washing/cooking/cleaning ... they like to have their independant cake and eat it after all!)
Seriously though, I see her striving for independence as a job well done on my part. After all, from the day they enter this world, each step we teach them is in readinness to help them to move on in the world one day.
I don't feel replaced, I feel that we are developing our relationship into adulthood and she knows the mum in me will always be there, when she needs me.
LuxembearsAh Deb.... I didn't truly appreciate my parents until I became one. I am sure things will change when she gets a bit older. Hang in there....make her a bear too. 
Upstate New YorkThank you ... thank you all! I heard exactly what I needed to ... the RE-assurance that all will be fine ... eventually, and that they do come around.
Val is a wonderful kid, truly she is. She's responsible and is an excellent student. No bad habits that will bring harm to her (except for driving a little too fast). I don't FEEL like I'm hanging on ... I just miss her terribly, and she doesn't want to be with us. OUCH! (I hate whining so if I sound like I'm whining, somebody slap me.)
I swear ... you think you're ready for them to leave (and you are) ... but I really didn't expect her to sever herself quite as drastically as she has. She broke up with a wonderful boy that we really liked and is dating someone else now ... and isn't the least bit concerned that we like, or get to know him. She says she'd like us to meet him, but "it's not important to me that you get close to him or get to know him." What's up with that?
Kathy, I understand completely about that birthday party thing. You're holding your cake saying "you're going where?"
SueAnn, that must have been an awful time for you and your mother. I get like that (briefly thankfully) when I feel threatened. Must be my body's reaction to my skin thickening. There's no joy in being hostile or cold toward your kid, but sometimes I think we do it to protect ourselves. I just keep smiling, albeit with gritted teeth sometimes that she can't see ... thinking to myself "you just need an attitude adjustment honey."
Kimmy, please don't cry!
Jane, you're a fortunate lady!
Denise, I'm so jealous! I LOVE weddings!
Danni, do not hurt your Mum! Got it?!
Marion, I am SO looking forward to getting smarter!
Marie, tea ... great idea. CHAMOMILE! Not sure if this happens with all mother & daughters ... hope not, but bet it does to some degree.
Carolyn, 16 year old? I've added you to my prayer list.
I keep telling myself that she has nothing to prove to us; she doesn't have to doubt our love and acceptance. She doesn't have to impress us or win us over. She already knows we're there for her always, no matter what ... and so we're like one of those low risk, stable value investment funds. Put your money in and there's no risk (well, relatively) in losing it, so you can basically ignore it.
Bears-a-Bruin!I guess I have all this to look forward to - my daughter is 5 yrs old and being subjected to all kinds of pressures already. What must it be like for teenagers these days, surrounded by fashions, drink&drugs (here at least), exams coming out of their ears....I'm sure it wasn't so bad when I was that age (I'm 41). I blame mobile phones, LOL :D
Seriously, when I was growing up my mother was (in my eyes) quite a controlling person. She liked things her way and that meant we had to go home for holidays....or risk her wrath for the next few months. Don't get me wrong, she was a great mum in many ways and I loved her, but she needed us to be around, a kind of emotional dependance I guess. Being the dutiful daughter I never did pluck up the courage to go away for the holidays, something I would have loved to do, but spent them in the family home instead. And I still in some ways resent that. Which isn't a nice feeling! It's so hard for kids to get the balance right, to find their feet, have fun while their young (within limits!!!) and yet still do the 'right' thing. I am really hoping that when my daughter gains her independance I'll see it as an achievement, something we as parents enabled her to do. We're preparing them for life, but they'll still make mistakes. This is all coming out a bit garbled, and every situation's different....but hang in there Deb, it'll change. As I got older I got to know my mum better, understood her more as a person and it helped our relationship. I guess I matured! So I'm sure that with a little patience the same will happen for you.
Take care!
