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Kim-Bee BearsDearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within
20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the
address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took
the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change
their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulle! d the chain. We haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week...
the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send... your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to
safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because
they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.
Your favorite aunt,
Mom
Terries Bears
Patsy Lake Bears
Gatehouse Gallery
Have you heard Jeff Foxworthy's redneck jokes?
Posts: 3,177Oh this is just Brilliant stuff Kimmy 
I am going to print this one off and give it to friends - i think that idiots are the same the world over and we can all relate to 'em no matter where we come from :dance:
Thanks Kimmy - have a fandabbydozy Christmas my little sweet chesnut you 
Penny :hug:
Kim-Bee BearsLOL pen pen, you crack me up... little sweet chestnut :)
You always make me smile :hug:
Posts: 3,177GOOD
Posts: 8,574Oh dear.
Being from Mariposa, California, just south of Yosemite, where the largest part of the population is 'redneck' the other half are county employees. I have to tell you that you are so so so close to the truth it is scary!
Now, true stories, to illustrate my point:
the neighbors down the road had dogs. One big old bubba slept in the driveway day in and day out, right by the road so that he could see whoever drove by. Usually just us and a few other neighbors.
The dog bloated up one summer. I said to mom I thought the dog was dead and she said I was silly, because surely they would have noticed.
3 days later.
I think it was the smell
NO I HAVE NO PICS TO POST ON THAT ONE AND AM NOT RECREATING IT FOR ANYONE'S AMUSEMENT, BECAUSE TO GET THE FULL IMPACT I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT THE 3 DAYS....
On Highway 140 between Mariposa and a town called Planada there were several ranches.
again the driveway
this time a cow
she was there smelling for about 1 1/2 weeks
What? They thought she was tired?
I drove by here ever weekday for 1 1/2 weeks on my way to nursing school wondering what on earth was wrong with this picture
Seems there was a dispute between the half of the population who worked for the county and the half that were....well....you know.
Turns out the poor cow was technically on county property, even though she had been branded and we all knew to whom she really belonged.
It's pretty bad when you die and no one wants to claim you.
so this taught me a lesson....
Never quite knowing from one moment to another what future lies in store for us, and not wanting to remain unclaimed in Mariposa County, I decided it would be wise to talk to the good folks at the Neptune Society.
That went well.
till they found out how old I was, (too young for them) and where I lived.
Now the scary part of these stories is this......this was normal.
You want another one?
Here's a good one:
After I graduated I worked at John C Fremont Hopsital. It was in Mariposa. Of course.
It was a tiny little hospital, 2 maternity beds, maybe 12 acute ( but don't be too acute) and 12 long term care folks in the geriatric unit. We had a lab, xray department and respiratory dept. Of course at night we had to call them in. We ran the ambulance calls, ( this was before the county took over with the 911 stuff)
So. We got a customer one night. Young man with a shotgun blast through is right hand.
He didn't want to wait 'cuz his hand was hurtin from the drive down to the hospital. Yes. He drove himself
Oh he was mighty upset about that.
Silly me I asked why
Well that was his beer hand
and how did he get a shot gun blast through his hand, and I was going to have to call the sheriff, cuz of the law and all
Well, he was trying to bust up some wood for his fireplace- it having turned cold and all and he was pounding on it with the butt of his shot gun.
Why his gun? Well he couldn't find the ax.
Well he had me there. I just couldn't quite picture how he did this to himself.
so I got a broom show me while we wait for xray and lab to come in. ( Well and the doc had to wake up too....)
I kid you not, this numbskull put his hand over the the top of the handle of the broom and demonstrated how he was holding the shotgun 'fore it went off.
It was just pure luck that his head wasn't in the way too.
Pure dumb luck.
Oh.
you want more stories......
In the big city there are thousands of stories......in Mariposa, generations.......
dilu
Posts: 8,574Here's one to warm the cockels of your hearts:
dateline Mariposa......
In Mariposa lived a trio of brothers .....known county wide as "the Hogan boys"
These poor guys just couldn't get a break.
Their house burned down.
Undaunted they got themselves a big tent-(kind of like what the boy scouts use in their camps)
When winter hit- and in the foothills of the Sierra's winter can hit pretty hard- they decided that they should move the firewood inside the tent to keep it dry
we all know that wet firewood doesn't burn worth a darn and theirs was probably still wet since they hadn't let it age properly.
(meaning it hadn't been that long since ut was borrowed from the national forest.....
Then they decided that they should move their heat source into the tent too.....
These were not some dumb city folk, after all, they understood that when it's cold and you have a fire going to stay warm well it should be close to where you are.
So in came the barbeque.
I never did learn what all truly transpired on that fateful night.
Suffice it to say, that there was beer involved, the barbeque and wee bit of a fight.
All three got out safe and sound
The tent was declared a total loss.
Oh? How did the house burn down? see above.....
Posts: 8,574Oh dear.....I am on a roll now
Every year Mariposa has a big 'ol county country style fair.
And every years there is a beer garden. (Do you see a pattern here?)
but let me digress a wee bit.....My father was an artist, my unlce a pianist and composer and my cousin sang.
No one every really critiqued my cousin.
Her singing was soooooooooo baddddddd......you can't possibly know how bad, but try this analogy; Imagine Edith Bunker from All in the Family singing Country/Western.
So My cousin and her friends would be asked to perform at the beer garden.
There was some booing, some cat calls, a lot of beer (it was a beer garden after all) and
a fight broke out between the boo-ers and the clapers.
No one in our family ever did quite get around the problem of how to tell her she couldn't sing......
It's hard, because she was so sweet and so loving, of everyone, that you just didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Well, except at fair-time.
With enough beer.
Now I will really stop......a girl should have a few secrets, after all
Posts: 8,574OK OK one more.....hubby just reminded me........
Back before there was such a thing as municiple water system in the town proper the hospital had it's own water tank. Probably about 100,000 gallons. It was way up high on girders above the hospital parking lot. Probably about 150-200 feet high.
You had to do that, back then, so that you would have decent water pressure----gravity flow sort of thing.
One unbelieveablky hot night, we had all the doors open so that we could get some air flow through the hospital.
I was working with Arlin ( actually one of the best nurses I ever had the priledge to work with, she taught me so very much about medicine and the art of nursing in a hillbilly town where 'make-do' was our motto.)
We started hearing water sounds. It went on for quite a while and finally we went out back to see if we could figure out what was going on.
After all it was probably 4 months away from the rainy season.
Well when we went out back we heard laughing reverberating around the water tank.
The hospital water source.
hmmmm.....Well the sheriff's deputys were do to stop by soon, as they did everyt night to swap Hogan Boy stories and see what kind of food Arlin could swipe from the kitchen for them.....
So when they came round, they too saw the water splashing out the overflow.
They hauled the kids out of there, called the county health department director ( which wasn't hard, since he was asleep in a spare room, in the hospital having been working the ER with me all night).
We were told not to drink the water, (well duh!!)
and that the water would half to be drained.....
that's alot of water.....
Posts: 1,153
Loved your letter to the son, Kim...soooo funny.
Had to add this for Dilu's cousin singing at the beer garden! Thought it could be hung in the appropriate spot to add ambience to the festival 
Posts: 8,574tHAT'S HYSTERICAL Nancy......Love the wind chimes
dilu
One of the quaintly amusing things about small towns is the dirty laundry......
