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Matilda Huggington-beareGidday!!!! HAS ANYONE GOT ANY GOOD JOKES??????? ANY real :crackup: s?????
I would love to hear them!!!!
Wendy 
Cleathero CreationsA young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?
" ....... £ 124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed £ 124,237.64 POUNDS What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
A bit naughty, but funny--is to me anyway as I could have been Nurse Alice once upon a time when I worked in a nursing home!! :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Alice asked
if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Alice," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today,
and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Alice.
"Mr.Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Alice," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
asked Nurse Alice.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
Charlotte Des Roches DesignsLawyer Joke!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along
too close to the curb and completely tore off the
driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see
the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But,
before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the
day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his
rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
(scroll down)
"MY ROLEX!"
Charlotte Des Roches DesignsQantas Airlines
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots marked with a
P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
Sidhe BearsFOR THE BEST LAUGH EVER..BUY the DVD I THINK it's called Blue Collared Workers, have to go over the house and double check, we have 2 different DVD's of theirs so far, hope they put out more...it's 4 American Guys taking the mickey out of the USA but mostly about Rednecks..the most funniest blokes i've ever watched...must see it..you'll find them hilarious.
YES! The Blue Collar Comedy Tour ! LOL! Jeff Foxworthy (You might be a redneck if...), Bill Engvall (Here's Your Sign), Larry The Cable Guy & Ron White. They are an absolute riot! Their shows are on the Comedy Channel here all the time. Bill Engvall is an absolute riot... if you like him in the Blue Comedy Tour, he's got his own CD, and listening to it while driving down the road can be hazardous! 
:crackup:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0330069/ There's the link for the DVD.
Glad to see their humor is appreciated elsewhere :)
I used to love watching the old Paul Hogan shows, they used to show on PBS here.
Robyn
Charlotte Des Roches DesignsLisa,
So glad you liked the Qantas one...I saw it a while back on another BB & had to go find it in honor of all the wonderful Aussie friends on TT.
Matilda Huggington-beareThought your jokes a cracker, :crackup:
I'm collecting them up for an elderlywoman over this way. She loves a laugh!!! and I cant remember jokes.
mores the pity.
Anyone got more?????? 
Lisa....I never ever heard your aussie/kiwi joke before. Most of the ones I know aren't fit for printing!
Posts: 3,177JOKE
It's Friday already and i'm still in Tuesday
DoodlebearsAdam & Eve
FINALLY, THE TRUTH
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God, 'Lord, I have a
problem!'
'What’s the problem Eve?'
'Lord, I know you have created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy.'
'Why is that Eve?' came the reply from above.
'Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples.'
''Well Eve, in that case have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'
'What's a man Lord?'
'This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat
and can be vain. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be
bigger, faster and will like to hunt. He will look silly when
he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way
that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too
smart, so he'll need your advice to think properly.'
'Sounds great' says Eve with an ironically raised eyebrow', 'what’s the catch
Lord?'
'Well, you can have him on one condition.'
'What's that Lord?'
As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring....so, you'll have to let him believe that I created him first. Just remember, it's our little
secret...you know, woman to woman.'
Hugs Jane.
DoodlebearsNot a joke but I think it's funny. My daughter Sarah wrote this version of the tale.
Hansel and Gretel
Not many people know this, and seldom think it true,
The tale of Hansel and Gretel is as real as me and you.
They lived besides a forest, with their father and his wife,
Who blamed the kids whole-heartedly for their frugal meagre life.
One day she hit upon a plan, a monstrous shameless ploy,
To rid herself of the mangey brats especially the boy.
“Take them to the forest they can help you chop some wood,
When it comes to home time you can leave them there for good.”
Father was aghast, he protested to his wife,
Her face burned red with anger, he was fearing for his life.
“You stupid, useless idiot! D’you have a better plan?
They’re eating us out o’house-and-home you pathetic weasely man!”
Alas the father he was weak, down-trodden and demure,
He did not dare defy his wife or he too’d be shown the door.
And so next day, as had been planned, he dumped them in the wood
He left them there all on their own, he left them there for good.
Alack, alas, their plan had failed, to guide them homeward-bound,
Note to self, dim Hansel thought, the breadcrumbs can’t be found.
Then they came upon a house, of gingerbread and sweets,
With lollipops and caramel – a million yummy treats.
They munched and gobbled greedily, their way throughout the home;
One fence, the porch, two chocolate doors, a jelly garden-gnome.
And when no more could pass their lips (they soon would surely burst)
They drained the pond of fizzy pop to quench their raging thirst.
And so, as often happens, after stuffing so much grub,
The two dropped off, their sleepy heads upon a liquorice-shrub.
When hence, the owner did return, to find her house was trashed
The doorbell was half-eaten, the sherbet fountain smashed.
“You little punks, I’ll kill you!” The buck-toothed woman roared,
But then, “I mean, you poor young things,” her smile was very broad.
“Come in, come in, you must be starved!” she ushered them inside,
“You’ll be my guests (she locked the door), and then I’ll eat you fried!”
“First things first,” the old hag schemed, “the girl I’ll keep for slaving,
The boy I’ll feed till he’s good and fat, and then I’ll feed my craving.”
The days dragged on and sure enough, the hag kept to her plan.
As Gretel toiled her brother ate; roast pork, Swiss cheese and ham.
Until one day her patience lagged, she eyed her quaking prey,
Oh yes, she thought, oh yes indeed, today will be the day!
Stooping down the fat old witch began to stoke the fire,
She hummed and mumbled merrily and watched the flames grow higher.
Then Gretel pounced, she shoved the witch, and watched the flames rise high
The hag screamed out, “Oh no! It burns, Oh I’m too young to die!”
“Bravo! Well-done!” caged Hansel called, “We’re saved!” Now let me out.”
But Gretel she had other plans for the lazy little lout.
“You whinging brat,” the girl intoned, “you think I’ll set you loose?
When all you’ve done is eat and moan and schlump there like a moose?!”
“Oh no big-bro, I think I won’t – I have a better plan,
I’ll eat the witch with peas and mash, then put you in the pan!”
And sure enough she did just that, she feasted on her brother,
‘Cause naughty haughty Gretel was no better than her mother.
Our tale must end, but please beware, when walking in the trees,
A new witch lurks, who if she could, would serve you up with peas…
Hugs Jane
DoodlebearsThis one is my sone David's version of Bigfoot.
The Legend that is Bigfoot
Long there’s been a legend,
About a creature fat and tall,
Whose feet are big and hairy,
But whose brain is rather small.
It is known as Bigfoot,
The sasquatch and the yeti,
People say it’s hideous,
And never that it’s pretty.
But now I’m here to clear the air,
Put an end to all the lies,
Because this ogre people hate,
Has love within its eyes.
For I know the beast very well,
I met him back in the day,
When I was a hunter,
And Bigfoot was my prey.
I snuck right up behind the brute,
It sat there hunched, yet tall,
I was really keen to shoot it,
And hang it on the wall.
I got my gun and pointed low
I aimed at its behind,
I shot it once, it didn’t flinch
But yawned “Do you mind”
I wondered why it hadn’t worked?
When I shot him like a mole,
It turned out he was on the can,
And I’d only hit the bowl.
I stood there stunned, scared and shocked,
Amazed that it could talk.
My knees had turned to jelly,
I found I could not walk.
The Bigfoot turned and stared at me
Its stench was overpowering,
His next sentence puzzled me,
“Are you here to fit the shower in?”
You see he’s just a normal bloke,
Just like anyone else,
The only reason he keeps away,
Is for the good of public health.
All he needed was a wash,
Nail clippers and a shave,
The legend was big fat hoax,
So much for my wage!
Fifty years I tracked this thing,
My time completely wasted,
Then I quickly hatched a plan,
Maybe I’d been too hasty.
I could pretend he was the yeti,
The difference you’d barely tell,
You’d have to look really close,
But you’d never pass the smell.
“I’m sorry Mr. Bigfoot,
I’m afraid your time has come,
A museum wants your skin, you see,
And I’ll take it with my gun.”
The only problem I had left,
Was dealing with the guilt
Could I really shoot this man
To make my fortune built?
“Please don’t shoot, I have a plan,”
The creepy nomad said,
“There has to be another way,
Where I don’t end up dead!”
“OK, you’re right, I’m sorry”
BANG!
“Oh no, what have I done?”
On the trigger my finger slipped,
And I’d shot him with my gun.
I rushed him to the hospital,
Where a doctor saved his life!
But before I left, I took his coat
I sheared him with a knife.
My job was done, I was overjoyed,
I was truly in the pink,
For I had made my fortune,
And the beast had lost his stink!
And now my tale nears an end,
And you’ve really learned a lot,
For Bigfoot was no monster,
He was just some guy I shot.
The End
This was written by my son David some years ago.
Hugs Jane.
Doodlebearsproper joke!
The FrogA frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's
a Rolling Stone."
Hugs Jane.
Kiprie BearsJane, please stop ! you are killing me ! :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
I don't have good one but this is really happened at my work.
One day at our office,
I picked up a phone and the person said
(( May I speak to Patti (boss)? ))
version 1
me: (May I ask whos calling ?)
she:( Her mother. )
I transfer the call to boss...
Boss:( Hey mom what's up ?)
she: ( I I I'm not your mother...)
Boss:( Oh sorry, who is this ?)
she: ( Mrs. Hamada ...)
Ha ma da.... Ha mo...ther...... :crackup:
version 2
me: ( May I ask whos calling ?)
She: ( who ?)
me: ( May I have your name ?)
She: ( Who ?)
me: ( Do you speak English or Japanese ?)
She 
I'm speaking English.) with little mad voice.....
I transfer the call to boss and told her she might be playing with us...
Boss ( Thanks for waiting, May I ask whos calling ?)
She: ( Mrs.FU)
She was our Vietnamese client and her last name was Fu.
Those are 2 embarrass moment I had. :redface:
:crackup: :crackup:
PeggottyLisa, I posted these somewhere else on the site but in case you haven't seen them. No offence meant to anyone - they are posted in a spirit of good naturedness .... if there is such a word!
Sue
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline
pilots and control towers around the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned
to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Easter
702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, calling sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where
I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick
was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
PeggottyYou're little motto certainly suits you down to the ground. Isn't it funny how the choice of a motto can give you an insight into another person before you've ever 'spoken' with them. :dance:
Loved the piccy's of your daughter's 14th and don't worry about the pizza's. My 11 y.o. son delights in telling everyone he can about how Mum 'burns bunnies'. My Mum "burns bunnies" he happily spouts and waits for the polite looks of askance. He means, of course, that I burnt the dough that we had made and shaped into little rabbits for bread bunnies. He was about 4 at the time and he has never let me forget it.
They were pretty charred tho'. Cinders, in fact and the house ponged for days. :crackup: :crackup:
S.
Matilda Huggington-beareOK I'm back!! and I read and laughed and just about wet myself with some of them!! :crackup: :crackup: Brilliant ladies absolutely brilliant the lot of ya. :hug: :crackup:
I know I'm greedy, but has anyone gott more!!!!
Jane your sons poem was great. Your kids are very clever. you must be very proud?. Wendy
